In a world where we feel more disconnected to our bodies than ever before, it can be hard to feel truly present and embodied during our sexual experiences.
Many of us are dealing with huge amounts of stress and feeling overwhelmed by the endless to-do lists of life… and it's becoming habit to reach for our phones instead of just sitting with our thoughts.
We’re constantly doing instead of feeling, and it is exhausting.
It is unsurprising that when it comes to intimate moments, we find ourselves struggling to relax into the moment & experience true authentic pleasure.
What can I do to feel more present & embodied during solo &/or partnered sex?
Perhaps it’s best to take a step back and start with our own self-love & masturbation practices. To open new avenues for pleasure, we first need to allow ourselves to feel more at home in our minds & bodies. It’s all about dialling down the external noise (think stress, screens, and social media), and reconnecting with what our bodies are telling us. This is of course easier said than done, but as with most things, practice makes perfect…
Meditate, Masturbate, Manifest
Our fave, Dr Emily Morse (AKA Sex with Emily) swears by these 3 M’s, and we think they’re a great place to start.
We appreciate life can feel truly chaotic, and working towards lowering stress levels is something that requires more attention than ever before. Why not try carving out space for a guided meditation in the morning or practice some yogic breathing or a breathwork session when you’re home from work?
Try to create time in your week to do the things you love – even if it is a lunchtime walk or a hot bath, these little pockets of time to be with yourself & your thoughts can do wonders for your energy levels.
Practice tuning into your senses throughout the day. Can you shift your awareness to a sensation that feels pleasurable and savour it? This could be the taste of your morning coffee or the sound of the rain on your windscreen on your drive to work. Try to be mindful of the world around you and find pleasure in the little details.
Try to slow down your masturbation sessions to make them more mindful and ritualistic. Start with a full head-to-toe body scan and check in with yourself on how you’re feeling. Try touching your secondary erogenous zones rather than heading straight for your usual spots – you never know, you might find something that feels even better to you.
When we bring more awareness to the little things, we bring greater sensitivity, which in turn brings more pleasure… and pleasure breeds pleasure.
How do I stop my mind wondering during partnered sex?
We get it - it can be much easier to relax into things when you’re by yourself… add a partner in the mix and you can sometimes feel the anxiety levels rising.
If you find your mind racing during partnered play, firstly try some deep breathing to help you relax. Can you focus in on one sensation that feels great to you? This could be running your fingers along your partner’s skin, breathing in the scent of your fave candle, enjoying a slow kissing session, or touching yourself to help you move back into the pleasure zone.
Remember if you are uncomfortable at any point, stop. Consent should be an enthusiastic yes and so if you are not feeling it, please be sure to halt proceedings and take care of yourself first.
Reset Expectations
Shift the goal of partnered sex from orgasm to whole-bodied pleasure. This practice of exploration and tuning into your senses doesn’t have to be perfect – it can be in little doses and something that you build on together.
Try playing with different sensations and types of touch. Focus on different parts of your body, avoiding the genitals. Explore your secondary erogenous zones together – think neck, ears, backs of the arms, inner thighs… these can all feel great. To help you stay relaxed and stop your mind wondering, focus on the sensations of touch and what is feeling great to you. And remember to always come back to your breath if you need a little grounding.
Go with the flow and see where things lead… sure orgasms are great, but full embodied pleasure for both parties should be the goal. It’s about the journey, not the destination so to speak.
Safety & Security
Remember - You don’t need to rush anything. It is important that you can communicate your feelings with a partner(s) to ensure they are giving you the time & space you need. Vulva owners in particular need much more time than our penis owner counterparts to hit the same levels of arousal, so don’t put extra stress pressure on yourself if you’re not getting there quickly – it’s not you, we’re just designed that way.
It is super important that you can feel your true self with your partner(s). This creates feelings of safety & security, and that is a huge requirement for us to truly open up and feel fully embodied in our sexual experiences.
Photo Credit: Emily Zoe via Pinterest